Bruce Willis : With A Vengeance
Back when I was about eleven I had a dream wherein I married Bruce Willis. We were vacationing in France, spending a romantic evening by a large stone fountain when he got down on his knee and proposed. Up until then my main choice of spouse included Joey McIntyre, Joey from Blossom and sometimes, although I'll deny it up and down if really pressed, a polygamy Disney tag team lead by Eric from the Little Mermaid, followed by the Beast post-turn. While still including dishes that talked. That was my number one Christmas wishlist item: teapots that sang and candlesticks that danced and spoke in French accents.
So I hadn't really given Bruce Willis all that much thought, which is a shame because he is so awesome. If you don't believe me, I have the time, nay, the will to give you a rundown of my favourite Bruce Willis movies. ... and some of my not so favourites. We went through a dark period, him and I a little while ago... but I think we've made it through.
Die Hard :... DIE HARD - I miss the time in action movies when being German meant you were secretly plotting to take over giant skyscrapers and kill polite Asian people who didn't follow your every whim. This movie features way more Carl Winslow action than the sequel to Die Hard, which is great.
Die Hard 2: DIE HARDER - Some may wonder why I haven't included all these in one big awesome trilogy. The truth is, I really can't call this a favourite. However, I'm watching it right now and watching Dennis Franz finally get his comeuppance is sweet bliss. It's a shame that being yelled at by the imposing black guy who once played Lisa's father on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air didn't send him careening into a downward spiral that didn't end with him taking his pants off on Primetime TV. Don't think I've forgotten, Dennis Franz. I can never forget.
Die Hard 3: WITH A VENGEANCE - This is better than number two, but still not as great as one. Jeremy Irons also stars, but I really haven't been able to respect that man after seeing Dungeons & Dragons. I'm admitting to having seen that now, ... in a theatre.
Die Hard 4: LIVE FREE OR DIE HARDER - Technically this hasn't been released yet. But you know it'll be unfathomably awesome. Don't pretend.
16 Blocks - This one makes me a little sad. There is nothing quite as satisfying as hearing Mos Def say "Berfday cake", but even that doesn't make up for the fact that Bruce Willis looks like he could barely get out of bed, let alone FIGHT A BAD GUY ON THE WING OF A SNOW COVERED, MOVING PLANE. After seeing this movie I was forced to implore, "My Bruce looks really downtrodden in it though, and that makes me sad. Put down the Canadian Club, Bruce, dear. Come over to my house. I have pie."
Hostage - I don't have anything vaguely clever for this one at all. It's just awesome and if you haven't seen it, you're retarded and need to be resmarted by renting it. Or poor. I will lend you money. I will lend you money to see this movie. Hopefully the rental places will accept Monopoly bills and used stamps.
The Jackal - This is the movie where Richard Gere plays some kind of Irish or Scottish or something, and ... and Bruce Willis is a bad guy. Normally this wouldn't be so bad. I am a big girl and I can handle a Bruce Willis who lives on the wrong side of the law. But what I can't handle, is a Bruce Willis and Jack Black showdown. I love Jack Black. I love Bruce Willis. WHO DO I HOPE FOR? *SPOILER... although, to be honest, you might not want to care anyways because this movie is so godawfully bad that I might be saving you two hours of your life. You could use those two hours. You could knit a sweater. You could play a strained family board game. You could perfect your Irish accent. You could bathe an elderly person.* So, Bruce Willis suddenly just shoots Jack Black. Out of nowhere. And he SHOOTS OFF HIS ARM. You think it's going to be this touching tale of friendship between two different people from two different walks of life, but touching tales DO NOT INCLUDE THE LOSS OF LIMBS, unless those touching tales are about veterans who save each other and in doing so, learn hard lessons about life and love. JACK BLACK NEEDS HIS ARM, BRUCE. HE NEEDS HIS ARM SO HE CAN PLAY HIS GEETAR AND SING TO MY HEART. / End Spoiler.
... Not to mention the fact that Richard Gere shouldn't be allowed to act. He should've just preserved our memories of him in Pretty Woman and then retired in the South of France.
The Fifth Element - I love this movie, moreso because I've finally managed to forgive Milla Jovovich and come to terms with the fact that she really wasn't the reason Resident Evil 2 was so heinously bad. Slow motion zombie scenes? The ridiculous Nemesis fight scenes? WHY IS SHE ALWAYS WEARING A TOWEL? HOW DID HER MOTORCYCLE GET UP THAT HIGH?
Pulp Fiction -
I was going to pepper this entry with awesome Bruce Willis pictures, and I still may, but finding awesome pictures of Bruce Willis proved harder than previously thought. Likewise, I left out the truly obvious -- The Sixth Sense, etc.
So I hadn't really given Bruce Willis all that much thought, which is a shame because he is so awesome. If you don't believe me, I have the time, nay, the will to give you a rundown of my favourite Bruce Willis movies. ... and some of my not so favourites. We went through a dark period, him and I a little while ago... but I think we've made it through.
Die Hard :... DIE HARD - I miss the time in action movies when being German meant you were secretly plotting to take over giant skyscrapers and kill polite Asian people who didn't follow your every whim. This movie features way more Carl Winslow action than the sequel to Die Hard, which is great.
Die Hard 2: DIE HARDER - Some may wonder why I haven't included all these in one big awesome trilogy. The truth is, I really can't call this a favourite. However, I'm watching it right now and watching Dennis Franz finally get his comeuppance is sweet bliss. It's a shame that being yelled at by the imposing black guy who once played Lisa's father on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air didn't send him careening into a downward spiral that didn't end with him taking his pants off on Primetime TV. Don't think I've forgotten, Dennis Franz. I can never forget.
Die Hard 3: WITH A VENGEANCE - This is better than number two, but still not as great as one. Jeremy Irons also stars, but I really haven't been able to respect that man after seeing Dungeons & Dragons. I'm admitting to having seen that now, ... in a theatre.
Die Hard 4: LIVE FREE OR DIE HARDER - Technically this hasn't been released yet. But you know it'll be unfathomably awesome. Don't pretend.
16 Blocks - This one makes me a little sad. There is nothing quite as satisfying as hearing Mos Def say "Berfday cake", but even that doesn't make up for the fact that Bruce Willis looks like he could barely get out of bed, let alone FIGHT A BAD GUY ON THE WING OF A SNOW COVERED, MOVING PLANE. After seeing this movie I was forced to implore, "My Bruce looks really downtrodden in it though, and that makes me sad. Put down the Canadian Club, Bruce, dear. Come over to my house. I have pie."
Hostage - I don't have anything vaguely clever for this one at all. It's just awesome and if you haven't seen it, you're retarded and need to be resmarted by renting it. Or poor. I will lend you money. I will lend you money to see this movie. Hopefully the rental places will accept Monopoly bills and used stamps.
The Jackal - This is the movie where Richard Gere plays some kind of Irish or Scottish or something, and ... and Bruce Willis is a bad guy. Normally this wouldn't be so bad. I am a big girl and I can handle a Bruce Willis who lives on the wrong side of the law. But what I can't handle, is a Bruce Willis and Jack Black showdown. I love Jack Black. I love Bruce Willis. WHO DO I HOPE FOR? *SPOILER... although, to be honest, you might not want to care anyways because this movie is so godawfully bad that I might be saving you two hours of your life. You could use those two hours. You could knit a sweater. You could play a strained family board game. You could perfect your Irish accent. You could bathe an elderly person.* So, Bruce Willis suddenly just shoots Jack Black. Out of nowhere. And he SHOOTS OFF HIS ARM. You think it's going to be this touching tale of friendship between two different people from two different walks of life, but touching tales DO NOT INCLUDE THE LOSS OF LIMBS, unless those touching tales are about veterans who save each other and in doing so, learn hard lessons about life and love. JACK BLACK NEEDS HIS ARM, BRUCE. HE NEEDS HIS ARM SO HE CAN PLAY HIS GEETAR AND SING TO MY HEART. / End Spoiler.
... Not to mention the fact that Richard Gere shouldn't be allowed to act. He should've just preserved our memories of him in Pretty Woman and then retired in the South of France.
The Fifth Element - I love this movie, moreso because I've finally managed to forgive Milla Jovovich and come to terms with the fact that she really wasn't the reason Resident Evil 2 was so heinously bad. Slow motion zombie scenes? The ridiculous Nemesis fight scenes? WHY IS SHE ALWAYS WEARING A TOWEL? HOW DID HER MOTORCYCLE GET UP THAT HIGH?
Pulp Fiction -
"Butch: I think I cracked a rib.Sin City - ... I haven't seen this yet. I know. I'm ashamed for me, too.
Fabienne: Giving me oral pleasure?
Butch: No, retard, from the fight. "
I was going to pepper this entry with awesome Bruce Willis pictures, and I still may, but finding awesome pictures of Bruce Willis proved harder than previously thought. Likewise, I left out the truly obvious -- The Sixth Sense, etc.
Labels: Film Geekery
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6 Comments:
and i know by truly obvious, you also mean armageddon and look who's talking..
RIGHT!?!?
you know i sometimes wonder if Twister would have been better had bill paxton not taken the lead, but rather bruce willis, but then i wake up from my dellusional dreams and realise...its TWISTER it doesn't matter who did the lead, the Tornadoes are what made it magical :D
Bruce Willis is good but im surprised you said The Jackal....there is a much better movie called the assigment http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118647/
also bruce willis dosnt kiss a guy in this movie...lol
I can't believe you haven't seen Sin City!!! Um...yeah, and I totally wanted to marry Joey from Blossom too! God, I can't believe I forgot about that show until you mentioned it. I also had a crush on his younger brother Matthew in "Superhuman Samerai Syber-Squad" :P Oh man... *shakes head in embarassment*
My wife likes that dude too. What is it about that guy?
That's it. I'm changing my name to Willis.
No Color of Night reference?
Harts War absolutely sucked, although "12 Monkeys" made up for it. Great performance by Brad Pitt as well...
And the "Fifth Element" - one of my personal favs. Man, Milla is hot in that flick.
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