Jax VS Matilda - FIGHT FOR MY LOVE.

I like to look at cats sometimes and figure out what sort of humans they'd make. For instance, in a previous life, Matilda was a world champion gymnast who wowed nations with her proficiency on the balance beam. Her floor routine was superb, her technique amazing, and sometimes, even now, when she's wandering through a room, you can see her thinking, "God, if only I had some ribbons and a little 2 Unlimited on the audio cassette tape player."

Sometimes, when she climbs up into the window, she'll fit herself between the window panes and do little flips to turn herself around, and as she stands on her hind legs for balance, one is tempted to believe she is the most amazing cat in all the land.

Except she's not, because this one time, she had me outside at 6 in the morning in my housecoat calling for dead kittens. So... not that awesome. Also, sometimes, if you pick her up, she will completely freak out and claw her way up your neck, springboard off your back and attempt a really graceful, perfect ten finish onto the linoleum. Like, good luck in a tsunami evacuation Matilda. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE REJECTED ME WHEN ALL I WANTED TO GIVE YOU WAS MY LOVE. Something to keep in mind for your next life.

Jax, on the other hand, in his past life, lived with his mom until he was 50. And even then, it wasn't so much that he moved out, as much as she took him with her by lacing his food with Drano. As a result, he's pretty skittish. He's really coming into his own these days though. Sometimes, he rummages through any available nearby plastic bags, picks out one that he really likes, and dons it as a cape.

This is followed by him strutting around the house in all his finery, possibly looking for Matilda because .... gymnasts appreciate great outerwear.

He's kind of a spaz. If he were a person, he'd have all of his taxes done on time and if he spilled salt, he'd immediately throw some over his left shoulder. He would be sure to knock on wood if he said anything overly definite about life, and if no wood was available, he'd be sure to stop midsentence, look around suspiciously and say it instead. He'd say it twice, just in case. He'd be just a little bit gay and his favourite movie ever would be Milo & Otis. He'd belong to a lot of anime fan clubs.

He gets really injured if you make fun of him, possibly because he's the greatest cat in all the land. A little while ago Melissa and I were laughing about his makeshift plastic bag cape, and he jumped off the bed and sat a foot in front of us, back turned, not looking in our direction at all. We said his name a few times but he just twitched an ear and continued to stare forward, finally running towards Matilda where they could participate in a sudden, spontaneous match of shadow boxing behind a backlit curtain.

The addition is directly outside of my window and the drop down from my room isn't really that far, so the cats occasionally go out there. Sometimes Max throws random things out the window to gently coax them down. This is why the roof is now littered with used paintbrushes, plastic action figures and makeshift boomerangs made by taping two pencils together. Matilda gets in and out of my window like she's re-perfecting her trampoline skillz WITHOUT THE TRAMPOLINE, but Jax has a little more trouble.

Matilda outweighs Jax by about a billion pounds, possibly because she has gym teacher thighs, but she manages it pretty breezily. Jax, on the other hand, will sit outside the window, jumping ceaselessly for the top ledge, getting increasingly panicky as he realizes that he is stuck, stuck outside FOREVER, without ANY ACCESS TO FOOD. And is going to starve to death. Seriously, after a few minutes, he is pretty certain he can feel the first signs of starvation and if he doesn't get inside soon, he's going to have to resort to EATING HIS OWN LEG.

Both Melissa, Max and I have tried half leaning out the window and pulling him up, but he shies away from us. Max, because Jax is afraid of anything under 5 feet, Melissa because he's a little unsure still if she's completely worthy of his affections, and me because he's being a pain in the ass. I've tried putting a blanket out on the slick roof so he can use that as leverage, but he makes a direct point of not stepping on it.

I'm pretty certain he thinks it might have a land mine under it, and honestly, he'll need to save all his limbs so he can later eat them to stave off death.

Finally, we've managed a system where, after he's tried it on his own for twenty minutes, I go lean out of the window and he "tries" one more time, half landing in my open arms, and I haul him back through the window and shower him with love.

Jax IS the best cat in the land. I'm not much of a cat person, but I am definitely a Jax person. When Jax dies, I am going to have him stuffed in an action pose, possibly something incorporating a little bit of my beloved Le Tigre and I'm going to take him on the road with me. Riding on the bus, going to the bank, eating at restaurants, family swim night ... we'll do EVERYTHING together. It'll be amazing.

*****

I wrote this entry earlier this month, but hadn't posted it yet. (I am lazy.) BUT, I thought it important to add a few new details. First of all, Matilda has totally warmed up. SINCE GIVING BIRTH TO KITTENS.

I saw kittens being born! It was like Biology class but without getting formaldehyde covered frog insides thrown into my hair during a spontaneous high school boy dissection day confetti parade, or without Suvi taking incredibly unsubtle photographs of our hot student teacher Mr. Mayo with her disposable camera.

Labels: Musings